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When things are going well, when I've accomplished and feel good… - Taro
December 14th, 2008
03:09 pm
[mother2012]

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When things are going well, when I've accomplished and feel good about myself, there is some saboteur within me which tells me that it's time for a reward. At the last post Dec. 5, I was feeling pretty good and energetic. But the rot was already setting in. I had just gone grocery shopping. I happened to notice the Jello dark chocolate pudding cups in the refrigerated section, that are sweetened with xylitol, and I bought some. I truly convinced myself that it was safe to do that.

Four days later, when I ate the last one, I was depressed, hurting, and all energy was gone.

So I've spent the last week trying to make up for it. With great will power, I avoided opening canned fruit. I did, however, eat a little applesauce, drank some fruit juice, had an orange.

No. Can't do it.

Still in pain. Not eating any fruit at all now. I took a Zoloft to get me out of the depression, and didn't need more than the one. Now of course, I'm eating anything and everything that isn't sweet in order to avoid eating the sweets that I'm craving.

It goes something like this. Raw vegetable, egg on toast, fake crab, cashews, mini pizzas (sauce and cheese on English muffin), chicken livers, cheese puffs (homemade), raw vegetable, potato, can of vegetables, toast and butter, cashews, cheese, fish, red meat, fresh-cooked vegetable, cashews.

But it's working, as it has in the past. Energy is returning, depression is gone (I think), pain is still bad, but I'm taking a LOT of nsaids - 15 yesterday. This is from someone who has taken one aspirin a day (if that) for the last two years.

And I'm still exercising, although not as heavily as I'd like. (I didn't for three days over the worst of the depression.)

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From:saura_
Date:December 15th, 2008 09:10 am (UTC)
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I wish I could do something to help your pain, dearest. I know it sounds like empty words but they are not. I TRULY wish I knew something that could help you like a reward for all your efforts but doesn't get you in pain.

I know this kind of dark chocolate that DOESN'T have any sugar (it's for diabetic people). I can find the name if you think that would be useful????
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From:mother2012
Date:December 15th, 2008 01:40 pm (UTC)
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Most wonderful saura, thank you anyway. But they are all sweetened with something, and whatever it is causes the pain. In fact, the artificial sweeteners seem to be worse than the sugar!
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